20 Better Questions to Ask Young Athletes
In a 2019 article for The Atlantic, authors Adam Grant and Allison Sweet Grant identified an astonishing disconnect between what parents say they value and how their children experience them. Citing a Harvard study, they pointed out that more than 90 percent of American parents claim “one of their top priorities is that their children be caring.” And that’s great. Parents should want to raise kind and compassionate kids. But when the children were asked what their parents’ top priority was for them, can you guess what they said?
It wasn’t caring.
81 percent of kids said they experience their parents placing more value on achievement and happiness over caring. What do we make of this? We can say all of the right things about our values and priorities, but it doesn’t mean much if our kids aren’t experiencing those communicated ideals.
It shouldn’t be surprising that one of the primary places where kids experience what really matters to us as parents is on the playing field.
If you’re like me (and honestly, probably most parents) the first words out of your mouth are probably “Did you win?” or “How did it go?” Those questions aren’t necesarily wrong, but they miss connecting what we say we care about with how our young athletes actually experience us. Beyond that, asking better questions helps us maximize the return on our youth sports investment.
Why The Questions You Ask Young Athletes Matter
Most young athletes don’t need more coaching from their parents. They’re already being coached by trainers, teammates, social media, and the broader youth sports culture. What they actually need is a place to process what they’re experiencing. And that’s where parents should shine.
The right questions build trust and connection, reduce pressure, reveal what your athlete is really thinking, and create natural opportunities for faith conversations. In short, questions shape our kids more than our postgame analysis ever will.
20 Better Questions to Ask Your Young Athlete
I can’t emphasize enough the importance of using these naturally. Don’t force them or rush them. And most of the time, one of these questions is enough.
Three Questions About Enjoyment and Motivation
These questions get beneath the surface of whether your child is having fun and what is driving that fun. They can assist in surfacing early signs of burnout before your athlete has the words to name it themselves.
What do you enjoy the most about playing your sport?
What do you enjoy the most about your current team?
Can you think of anything that, if it changed, would allow you to have more fun playing this sport?
Three Questions That Connect Faith and Sports
These questions help your athlete connect identity to Christ rather than to performance. They open doors that wouldn’t appear in a postgame conversation about missed shots or coaching decisions. It probably takes a more mature and introspective kid to answer these, but you can adapt as needed to match where your kid is at.
Is there a particular Bible truth that means the most to you when you’re playing?
What is one way playing this particular sport has helped you grow as a person or in your faith?
When do you feel most encouraged and loved by me (or us as parents) in your sport?
Four Questions That Reveal Pressure and Emotions
Some of the most important things your athlete is carrying will never come up unprompted. These questions create space for the feelings your child hasn’t had the courage—or the opening—to say out loud.
What is something you’ve been feeling about the sport you play the most that you haven’t really said out loud?
What makes you feel the most pressure in your sport right now?
After games or practices, what do you need most from me as your parent?
What is the biggest reason you want to keep playing this sport right now?
Three Questions About Direction and Decision-Making
These questions give your child something rare in youth sports: a voice in their own future. Rather than decisions being made for them at the end of a season, your athlete gets the chance to name what they actually want.
Is there a sport that you’re not sure you want to play anymore?
Is there a sport that you definitely want to keep playing?
Is there a sport that you think might be kind of fun to try sometime?
Three Questions About the Car Ride
In Away Game: A Christian Parent’s Guide to Navigating Youth Sports, Ed Uszynski and I highlight car rides as one of the most important discipleship moments in sports. What you say (or don’t say) in those minutes after a game matters more than most parents realize. These questions help you find out what your athlete actually needs from that ride.
If you could change one thing about our car rides to your games, what would it be?
If you could change one thing about our car rides home after your games, what would it be?
What is your favorite thing that I (or we, as parents) do for you in your best sport?
Six Questions to Help Parents Adjust
If you want to reduce the pressure your athlete carries, this may be the most important section of the list. These questions invite your child to tell you, both honestly and specifically, what is and isn’t working about how you show up for them.
What do you hope I will keep doing before games?
What do you hope I will keep doing during games?
What do you hope I will keep doing after games?
What do you wish I would stop doing before games?
What do you wish I would stop doing during games?
What do you wish I would stop doing after games?
Bonus: Two Questions About Relationships and Influence
These questions reveal what kind of culture and leadership is shaping your athlete. The answers will tell you a great deal about who your child is paying attention to—and why.
What person on your team do you most enjoy playing with the most? Why?
When I think of your favorite coach you’ve ever had in any sport, what was it that you liked about them most?
A Few Last Minute Tips to Grow As A Question Asker
Again, don’t ask all 20. Pick one and let it breathe. A single well-timed question will open more than a rapid-fire interview ever could.
Listen more than you talk. Your athlete doesn’t need a lecture. Resist the urge to coach, fix, or explain. Just listen and be ready to apologize if and when appropriate. Speaking of apologizing…
Stay calm if answers are hard. If they say, “I feel pressure from you,” don’t defend yourself—lean in. The goal is understanding, not self-protection.
Ask follow-ups, not fixes. A good follow up questions for them is simply “Can you tell me more about that?” or “What makes you feel that way?”
Finally, be willing to change! These questions aren’t just for your athlete. They’re for you, too. Some of the answers will require something from you in return.
